I hate feeling like this. I hate that the same people and things make me feel this way.

I guess I will give a run down as to what happened. So, Katie texted me asking if she could pick up the water guns she had lent me. When she came by she brought up that we should hang out when she gets back from camp and vacation, then i brought up that she can sleepover while i house sit and we agreed and it was all good. 

lmao of course! i was wrong. I guess they all decided to go to the carnival, katie,joanna,johnny, and taylor. I think i am asking to much when i say i wish things would go back to how they were, when i had friends. I know what I said and I don’t regret it but i am sick of being alone. Im not even alone but they make me feel so alone. i don’t even know why this makes me so upset. Things will never be the same but i hate having so much free time and dwelling on this. I just hate that i went from someone’s best friend to nothing. don’t tell me you are really busy but we can hang out soon if you have all the time in the world for other people, people i am friends with. well i thought. i guess i should just get over it. I have tried so much and so hard and in all my efforts nothing has happened. I know in retrospect this is all meaningless. I will go off to college, make new friends and never look back again. It just hurts that i tried so hard and i think it hurts the most that i just wanted to make the best of my summer.

You know it is so shitty that the only person to ever care to see me are Caitlin and maybe cara. my friends from the internet care more about me! they make the effort and try so hard to see me, there are people willing to spend money finally meet me?? i am so happy they are in my life but it feels so fucking shitty. there are people that i have known for less than a year and they know so much about me and i can see them as life long friends but people that i have been friends with years…its like all over now? i feel like this is all so spiteful and angry but i am just upset and hurt. its justifiable. i want to get over this. but i guess i won’t until i go to college. 

so there is that 

I’m feeling a lot of shit right now so of course I’m going to make a text post about it and let it out. Of course i run the risk of people seeing it but at this point i don’t care. I like being able to vent and let it out with the chance of at least one person reading it or caring? 

I had really high expectations this summer which was justifiable because at the time i had close friends, friends i spend everyday or weekend with. Like literally, every single weekend we would go out and on the weekdays we would have / adventures/, something that i came up with. We were so pumped for the summer, finally being able to do so much without school ruining it and it being the last summer before college. We came up with so many amazing ideas of what to do and where to go like theme parks, tie dying shirts, sleepovers, swimming/boating, and just whatever. shit happened, major shit. with time things got okay but with that came change. they became best friends and because of what happened i was alone. wasn’t her fault that i wasn’t persistent to hang or was ever the first to ask for plans in fear of rejection. 

this happens so much but every time it hurts just as bad. I’m not blaming anyone or mad at anyone i just feel like letting out because it isn’t good to keep things in for me because it just eats me away. Katie had a party fourth of july, this is the first time i saw here since graduation which wasnt too long ago but still long considering how much time we spent together.honestly it is so upsetting to hear about how much people hang out 24/7 and you were never invited. ever. this happened again yesterday. they have done everything i planned or wanted to together and with other people. not only that but they talk about it every 3 seconds and i just laugh and act like i don’t care when it kills me because i have fucking spent my whole summer alone pretty much. i have only hung out with katie twice this summer only bc it was a party. i understand why we couldn’t or why they wouldn’t. but after we were all okay i don’t understand why we couldn’t. i guess i need to say something but I’m worried they won’t want to let me. they hang out so much like every minute. they’re best friends now. she was my best friend, we were so close and now its like lol. and it fucking SUCKS when you introduce two friends bc you want them to be friends and then they become best friends and youre just like lol okay…

so its easy to say that this is not the summer i expected or wanted and now I’m so soso  upset but it feels good to let this out. i just hate knowing that they’re having the time of their lives and the friendship I’ve dreamed of without me while i am alone.